Thursday, November 27, 2003
Nightmares, Memories and Ugly Art

Hello again. Last usual...I had a series of nightmares. In the earliest one I remember, I was a male on a class trip to florida or some other disgustingly hot place and I was obsessed with video games. We went to a restaurant that had video games...but I couldn't keep up, so, as a punishment for losing the game, I turned intoa series of game characters. There was a mermaid thingy...I think I was a rat...It scared me...In the latest nightmare that I can remember, I actually started crying in my sleep, I dreamt that my boyfriend and I had a misunderstanding, he hit me, I ended up in the hospital, and we broke up. Which sucks...Derek's isn't like that at all. He is gentle with me and listens to me when I want him to listen to me. **sips tea** Yes, right now I'm drinking tea..I think it has giensing in it or something because it doesn't taste as appetizing as lipton. What do you expect from Primal Screaming Monkey tea? Hehehehe, that's what Derek calls it, primal screaming monkeys. He's so cute. He's even more adorable when he flicks his head back to get the hair out of his face. His face is so soft. His goatee/beard thingy is too, it feels like a thousand strings of silk caressing my face. He is, by far the most cuddley/comfy boyfriend that I've ever had. Even the hair on his belly is warm and soft. He's my teddy bear. He's a poetic teddy bear. He write songs and poetry, all of his writing is very impressive, but sometimes I wish he could take critisism because of his grammer and mispelled words. His writing kind of reminds me of Gary's. Gary is a guy I just recently started talking to, he's very kind to me and he lets me read his poetry sometimes. I won't be suprised if he becomes the author of a bestseller. Both Derek and Gary like to write about morbid, nostalgic and violent things. Everytimes I read their work, I feel like crying because their pieces are so beautiful. I know that sounds really flakey, but I don't think you'd understand unless you had a taste of their work. I just recently read a poem by Gary that decribed a violent fight or battle, I envy his writing skills more than ever. His descriptions are pieces of art in themselves. Someday I hope I can write something helf-way decent. I used to write some pretty good stuff in my old journals, but that was because I would sit around writing stuff for hours until my hand shook. I hate that when it happens. You know when you write so much in one of journals or something your hand starts to hurt and you ignore about 15-30 minutes later your hand starts to shake so hard that you can barely hold your pencil/pen. Yeah, I think that's why I have carple tunnel <<did I spell that right? > I've been taking pills for it, but I don't think they're working. Oh well, as long as I can still draw and write, I'll be fine. Speaking of drawing, I'm in art class right now and we're painting stool sucks ass. I was supposed to paint a big wooden table that everyone is drooling over, but I didn't get black paint until just recently. I had originally planned to paint the table with two huge flowers and grape vines as a border because the construction of the table reminds me of a vineyard...but my teacher has the worst taste in the worls and said that the table wouldn't sell at the auction if I painted like that. I didn't think so, but whatever the teacher says, my mind anyway. There are those people who think that it is wrong for her to tell us what to do and how to do things, but I didn't expect to have freedom in her class when I signed up for it...Then again, I didn't expect her to spontaniously pull me back from an AP Art Studio class to Integrated art 3. I must really suck donkey shit. Whatever, it's not like my art is that great anyway. The only real thing I'm decent at is drawing with a regular #2 pencil, black pen, or mechanical pencil;s. My teacher is against drawing with mechanical pencils. I think that's just because she doesn't klnow how to draw with them. All she does is impressionistic paintings. They are so dull and boring. I hate it when things look like a blurry picture. I certainly appreciate it, because I know that I could never paint that way, but I really don't like the genre of art itself. I tend to think more surreal or cartoony. I don;t think my art teacher understands me at all. But, who's art teacher does? I don't think that there is an artistic person on this planet that could ever be understood by their teacher unless they knew eachother for years and years...I don't care. Not anymore anyways. All I know now is that I need to teach myself how to improve like I have in the past, instead of relying on other peolple. Because other people have different opinions than I do. They see things differently than I do...and I don't them to change what I have into something that is theirs. I think that is the main reason why Derek doesn't like to be critisized very much. But I tghink there is a big difference between constructive critisism and telling him how to do something,the way that they want him to do it. I hate it when my teacher thinks that the way that she does things is always right..sure technique and other basic things that she learned from school, but not her views and personla ways of doing things. That just makes every student's artwork her own. And tat makes me angry. She thinks that she is the best friggin artist in the whole world and that no one in Kentucky could ever compete with her...well I think she's wrong. I'm not better than her, I know this, but I have a more unique way of doing tings and so does everyone else in her class. I think she needs to wake up and realize that just because she's the teacher, doesn't mean she and make our artwork into her own. I think everyone in the class would agree with me too. Oh well, it's not like the class would ever stand up to her or anything. She does have authority over us, after all. Sure, there are afew people in the class that attempt to stand up for themselves artistically,but most are just beaten down to conformity. **sigh** And that is my rant for the day. Considering the fact that NOW I have been made to paint picture of famous movies stars from the 20's on that big beautiful table that reminds me of a vineyard. I remember when I was little I went to vineyard in ...I think california...where fopuntains spouted wine and my parent tested the different varieties of wine that they could buy. I don't think they bought anything from that vineyard though...we went to a restaurant in side of was the first time that I had ever eaten a flower in a meal. It actually didn't taste that bad...I think it was a rose or a violet...I can't remember very well...I was quite young. It was also around the last and first time that I had ever really gotten to know my aunt and uncle (from my mother's side of the family)...They used to own a cany shop and me and sister helped make milk-chocolate and white chocolate dipped strawberries. We also dipped oreos and pretzels. It was really fun. The things I learned there always stuck with me. I don't think I'll ever forget how to make yummy-tasting candies. Wow, lookit me, I sound like an old granny talkig about the good ol' days..hehe...I GTG....
Love always,

Posted at 11/27/2003 11:07:37 am by Refulgentblood
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Wednesday, November 26, 2003
First entry(excluding the side-bar thingy)

I just realized that THIS is the entry thingy-mo-bopper...I wrote my first entry on the side bar thingy....I'm really horrible with computers...I really admire people who can use them right...heh. I just finished cooking...I made a pumpkin-cheese cake for thanksgiving...which is tomorrow right? I dunno, I'm horrible with dates...and names....and pretty-much everything else in this world. Let me warn you now...I talk about my boyfriend alot because he's the greatest thing that's ever happened to with it or leave me and my libitle-bloggers alone. I've always wondered what it'd be like to publish something. I always wanted to...well...I mean publish something that people actually read. Once I got a poem published by some libitle poem-ish-ness book that nobody had ever heard about. Ooow, headache. I'll 'prolly write more labiter...

Posted at 11/26/2003 2:19:31 pm by Refulgentblood
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I live in Kentucky...which isn't as bad as I always thought it was...nice little graveyards from hundreds of years ago...bright stars and beautiful full moons... I'm around 15 or 16...'can't remember when I was born...I enjoy listening to industrial, dark wave, metal, hard, and 90's alternative rock...I only appreciate opera when I'm in an opera house or theatre...Classic requiems are quite beautiful too...I contemn rap, new pop and this new fad that people like to refer to as "punk"...I wear black because I find it visually appealing and I feel most comfortable in it...Do not, however, refer to black as my favourite color becuase it is NOT A COLOR. I enjoy writing, listening to music, sketching, shopping(aka blowing all my money on clothing) and spending time with the people I have loving relationships with (which includes Derek, Rachel, Megan, Josh and Morgan). Rachel is my Iraq. Derek is my friend, my lover, my comfort and my happiness. Megan and Morgan...twin Gemenis that I met in my freshman year of high school. Josh has become a friend of mine and is Morgan's boyfriend. I believe I should also include Kello. Kello has been a sort of friend since middle school, but we've gotten closer since this school year began... Anyways...yeah...Sometimes I'm depressing...other times I'm hyper...If you don't like my rambles then don't read them. Feel free to comment/critisize.

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Hello. I guess this is the first entry I'll ever have in my journal...I have traditional journals, diaries and notebooks at home...but I've never had a web journal before...I kind of always wanted to have a web journal seemed pretty cool...but I don't quite understand why people would want to read someone's else's journal online...Aren't journals supposed to be relatively private? I guess not...I don't really care though...It's not like someone I know is going to read this or anything...and if tey do...I just hope that they understand that I really don't give a flying fuck what they think...I just made my profile on this blog thingy and I realized what a boring person I am. Oh well, you don't have to live with me...I have to live with me...I can't just walk out of my own being and take a break from myself...Which sometimes I think would be kinda nice. Oh...I forgot to warn everyone who comes here...I'm allergic to paragraphs and I tend to be VERY with it or beat it. I guess I'll go...or I'll come back later when I have something relatively interesting to say...

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